Ten Tips for Hard Conversations with Your LGBTQ Child

Disciplines of Discovery in the Midst of Painful Moments

As the mom of a beautiful young woman who identifies as a lesbian, I’ve had to learn what it means to walk the fine line between showing her compassion for the journey she’s on without condoning or condemning sinful behavior or compromising my own faith and values. In a few short words, this has been no easy feat! In fact I’m still learning what compassion without compromise means in real life moments when her choices and my love for her in the midst of them collide.

Over the past few years I have experienced a number of discoveries about my precious girl. Hard discoveries. Painful discoveries. Discoveries of things that could literally end her life prematurely. Discoveries that sent me to the floor on my knees, overcome with grief and deep sorrow for her.

And in the midst of making these discoveries she was there, looking for my reactions, waiting to see how I would respond.

Following are a few things I’ve learned (and continue to learn) along the way. I affectionately refer to them as Disciplines of Discovery. They have helped me on my own journey and they have served to strengthen my relationship with my daughter. My prayer is that they will help you also.

Before every conversation with your adult child (if possible), ask God to put a guard over your mouth and over your heart. Ask Him for wisdom, discernment, strength, and self-control. Ask Him to speak through you to your daughter, and to give you everything you need during this conversation.

As the discovery unfolds, listen well. Hear her heart, not just her words. Listen closely to the tone of her voice. Listen for deep emotions. Listen for fear. If she sounds hard and unemotional (or even angry), know that she is guarded and probably fears rejection or judgment. Listen as much for what she’s not saying as what she is. If she’s there with you, watch her body language. Are her arms crossed? Is her body in an open position or closed? Take a moment to take it all in.

The absolute best first response is, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you.” This response helps in a couple of ways. It shows her you see her—not just the issue at hand—and it gives you the opportunity to address her heart without reacting emotionally. In short, it enables you to take a momentary step back where your own heart is concerned while affirming your love for her in a real and thoughtful manner when she may be expecting or fearing the opposite. This is a powerful moment which will most likely strengthen your relationship.

Ask thoughtful questions. “Would you mind sharing with me what brought this about? Can you share with me what led you to make this decision?” “What do you need from me?” “How does/will this (issue) likely impact your life?” “Is there anything more you’d like to share with me?” Be sure to ask with genuine care and concern—without any hint of accusation or disapproval. She will be listening to your tone of voice as well. Asking thoughtful, probing questions helps you to focus fully on her without reacting or making any judgments of her or the situation. Doing so will show her you care more about her than the secret she just revealed to you.

Eventually, during this conversation, you will need to respond. She needs to hear that you love her no matter what. Tell her that. Tell her in your own words that, while you disagree with her choices or are concerned about the impact of this issue on her life, your love for her will never change. Tell her you’re praying for her and let her know she can talk to you about this issue any time. Then be sure to be available and open to doing so. Remember to never make a promise you cannot keep. Be genuinely sincere.

She probably won’t ask how you feel about what she’s shared with you. She knows you just as you know her. If she does ask, tell her you need some time to process your feelings. You can admit that you’re struggling with this news, but don’t overemphasize that. Ask for time to process your emotions before giving your reaction. Reassure her of your love for her and that your relationship is of vital importance to you. Do not under any circumstances affirm wrong choices or sinful behavior. Don’t make assessments of those things at all. Affirm her. Affirm your relationship with her and what that means to you. But never affirm that which violates God’s best according to His Word.

After you leave the conversation, reach out to those closest to you who are supporting you on this journey. (Be careful not to violate your daughter’s confidence.) Ask them to pray for you as you process this news.

Take your pain, worries, sorrows, and grief to Abba God. He sees. He knows. He understands. His heart breaks for your child and for you. Ask Him for wisdom, discernment, and strength as you unpack your feelings and as you contemplate your relationship with your daughter.

Process your feelings and emotions about what she shared with you. Do not ignore them, bury them, or deny them. (I’ve always had success doing this through journaling. Find what works best for you.) Get your feelings out in the open before God. Ask Him to show you what you need to know in the midst of these deep hurts, fears, and feelings. You will likely be tempted to blame yourself or revisit past failures. Do not take that bait! We all did the best we could as parents with what we knew and what we were going through at the time. If something new comes up for which you need to repent, admit it, and ask for and accept His forgiveness. Then—forgive yourself! If you need to apologize to your child for those things, do so. [Note: Be careful in choosing the timing for this. Do not make this confession or apologize to your daughter in connection with what she shared with you. Simply let her know God recently showed you (fill in the blank), and you need to ask for her forgiveness.] However, in this moment, as you are processing your feelings, let the love of Christ wash over you. Know that He is not angry with you. Instead, know that His heart breaks along with yours. Let Him begin healing these new broken places.

Once you’ve had time to process your feelings, you may or may not need to revisit the subject with your daughter. She may have already heard all she needs to hear from you. Remember, she knows you, and deep down she knows your belief system. She probably has a good idea how you feel about what she shared with you. However, ask God how or if He would have you respond further to her on this topic. Remember, He will never lead you to say or do anything that does not line up with His Word, and He will never lead you wrongly.

I wish I could say I’ve nailed down these Disciplines of Discovery with my daughter. I haven’t. I’ve blown it with her many times, mostly by reacting emotionally instead of responding thoughtfully. I’ve had to apologize often for those missteps. Even that however can be good for your relationship. Even and especially as parents, we need to admit when we are wrong and apologize. Doing so models humility and how to make amends. Our kids need to learn those things from us. We all mess up when faced with these hard situations. But once we own our mistake, apologize for it, and learn from it, we show our willingness to do the right thing along with the value we place on the relationship. That’s a win-win.

Whatever your walk with your adult LGBTQ child looks like, keep talking. Keep listening. Keep moving forward. Keep learning and growing and healing. And most of all, keep depending on Jesus for everything you need. He is there with you. He is for you and your child. He’s got her. He’s got you. He’s got this. Trust Him on this journey.