Capturing the Heart of Your Child for Jesus

Safeguarding Your Child from the World’s Influence

LGBTQ and transgender issues are at an all-time high. They are affecting younger children as well. The numbers of teens and even preteens identifying as lesbian, gay, non-binary, trans or a host of other queer identifiers are increasing exponentially daily. What are parents to do? How do we safeguard our kids from the world’s influence?

Having an adult daughter who identifies as lesbian, I’ve done a lot of soul searching concerning my own parenting tenure. On paper, it looks great!

• Took her to church. Check.
• Prayed at mealtimes and bedtime. Check.
• Did my best to live my faith out in front of her. Check.
• Modeled involvement and serving others in the church. Check.
• Modeled daily quiet time. Check.
• Encouraged daily quiet time. Check.
• Gave her quality devotionals for daily quiet time. Check.
• Homeschooled her in the early years. Check.
• Integrated spiritual instruction, lessons, and examples in schooling. Check.
• Sent her to a private Christian school to complete her education. Check.

By all appearances I did a pretty good job. The fruit of my labors, however, has shown otherwise.

My daughter gave her life to Jesus and was baptized at an early age—which was awesome. She had a gift for being compassionate, caring and even advocating for the underdog. She really seemed to love Jesus.

At 18 she spent the summer after high school graduation volunteering at a Christian orphanage in the jungle of Belize. (If you knew my daughter you would know how unlikely that was. For this mom it was a total God thing!)

Fast forward to three short years later and I heard those dreaded words: “Mom, I need to tell you something….” She came out to me that day.

So where did I go wrong?

In all the soul searching I’ve done, I realized there were several things I didn’t do with my kids that I wish I had done. As of this writing both of my adult kids are prodigals. It is my hope and prayer that these things help you with your children who are still at home, under your guidance and authority.

Live out your faith in relationship with your child often.

There were a couple of Red Letter Days that I remember where I really lived out my faith in relationship with my daughter in powerful ways. The one that stands out the most was when she lost her watch. She had medical issues that required that she be alerted every two hours; this watch had an alarm that she relied upon. One day she came to me saying she had lost her watch. We searched high and low without success. Finally, as a last resort, I told her “Jesus knows where your watch is. Let’s pray and ask Him to show you.” I said a short prayer: “Jesus, please show Jenna where her watch is. Amen.” Ten minutes later Jenna came running into the living room waving her watch. It had a Velcro strap and had gotten stuck on her outfit from the prior day. She found it in the dirty clothes hamper. That kind of living out of my faith in relationship with my daughter should have been a normal part of life, not a Red Letter Day…. Turning to Jesus should not have been a last resort.

Share with your child age-appropriate lessons God has taught you that day or week. God speaks to us through our circumstances, through the natural world around us, and by His Spirit by manner of a gentle nudge or inclining our heart in a certain way. He also speaks to us through other people and His Word. Share those moments with your child. Your testimony of the work of God in your life is something that, over time, will leave a lasting impression on her. Let her see how you experience God. Doing so may encourage her to look for how He speaks to her as well.

Live out your relationship with God in front of her—the good, the bad, and the difficult. The Christian walk isn’t for the faint of heart, but it is by far the best path to take as we live out our lives. Let her know life with Jesus doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful and fulfilling.

Really Talk and LISTEN to your child.

Be present for your child .Go beyond asking “How was your day.” Dig deeper.

ASK questions about her heart, her fears, the best and worst parts of the day. When there was something good—thank God for it then and there. Glorify Him in the moment. In relation to the bad, scary, hurtful things, ask how those made her feel. Affirm her feelings to let her know you heard her, that you see her pain. Tell her how it makes you feel to hear about them. Then confirm that God also saw her in that moment and that His heart hurt for her as well.

Next, engage in problem solving: Ask her if she had to go through that again, what would she do different. If she doesn’t know, ask if you can offer some suggestions (if she’s a teenager…. With younger kids you can just offer suggestions.)

Show interest. Show that you care about the details of her life—not just about whether or not she had a good day or did she get her homework done. Ask. Listen. Listen in order to understand before you ask to be understood.

“Listen in order

to understand

before you ask

to be understood.”

Stop what you’re doing and give her your full attention. Hear what she’s saying. Hear what she isn’t saying. Watch her body language. Look for anxiety, stress, or an aversion to making eye contact. All these are signals that she needs more from you than what she’s verbalizing. Let her know you are there for her and that she can tell you anything without fear of reprisal. Then let her tell you without reacting or judging, shaming, blaming, or fixing. Be a safe place for her to share her hurts, her fears, her anxiety, or her mistakes.

Take Every Opportunity to Teach Critical Thinking.

Take every opportunity—driving in the car, working in the yard, playing catch—to ask questions that help your child to think through the issues that are most likely to trip up or derail your child’s life and faith. Truth is one of those. The concept that truth is absolute has erroneously been cancelled in our liberal society to the detriment of our children. Talk with your adolescent about truth. What is it? How do you know when something is true? Are there different truths for different people or is truth always true? Offer examples where one person’s truth might collide with their own. Again, really engage with your child. Talk. Listen carefully. Inspire thoughtful consideration without giving them the answers too quickly.

Another topic of conversation might be why God has so many rules for living. Why does God care what you do? Is He just trying to spoil your fun? What about when bad things happen in life…. Does that mean God doesn’t care? How do we know what He thinks? NOTE: Before you can teach something effectively, you have to know it. If you don’t already know the answers to these questions, take that opportunity to say, “Let’s go to the Word and look it up together.” The better way is to be prepared; but even if you’re not, all is not lost! Teach them how to find the answers for themselves.

Remember, however, that critical thinking alone will not be enough. They need to develop an authentic relationship with Jesus. Knowledge is powerful, but if it doesn’t sink deeply into their hearts through experience and relationship, it may not stand the test of time and outside influences. The best way to teach that is to model it (as described in the first point). Is your relationship with Jesus authentic? Is it dynamic? Do you share that with your children? Help them to establish a true relationship with God.

Perhaps you have a 16-year-old and it feels too late. It’s not. You don’t have as much time with your older teen as you did when he was 10 or 12, but you can make the most of the time you have. With an older teen, it’s important to re-establish trust that may have been broken. Apologize for your role in where the relationship may be lacking. Be who you want your teen to be: be respectful of him to gain his respect. Be vulnerable with him to encourage him to be vulnerable with you. Listen if you want to be heard. Engage, engage, engage.

You have a God-given authority and responsibility to safeguard your children, to raise them up in the admonition of God—not to be their friend or a popular figure in their lives. (Admonition is just a fancy word for authoritative counsel or warning.) The idea here is one of stewardship. We have been entrusted with the lives of these children. This high calling is to be good stewards of their lives and the influences upon them, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved by Him (Colossians 3:12). Our society has chipped away at our parental authority, and we have let it. However, the authority God has granted us is irrevocable. No one can take that from us. Remember, too, that the greatest authority and most honoring stewardship is saturated in genuine love, compassion, strength, wisdom, and sacrifice. Be willing to sacrifice your time. Be ready to spark those conversations.

“Jesus, by virtue of the Holy Spirit,

is ready and willing to give you

whatever you need to be

the parent He’s called you to be.”

Remember that this strength is not about force or control, it’s about knowing when to be powerful and when to be gentle; when to listen and when to speak. Jesus was both strong and patient. He knew when to take a strong stand; He also knew when to wash another’s feet. He modeled the perfect balance of compassionate understanding (love) and discipline (truth and instruction)—a skill we, as parents, must learn to emulate. That’s the kind of leadership and authority your children need from you; and Jesus, by virtue of the Holy Spirit, is ready and willing to give you whatever you need to be the parent He’s called you to be. When He calls, He equips. “The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it” 1 Thessalonians 5:24). He does not leave us alone in this calling. He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; He gently leads those that have young (Isaiah 40:11).

It’s all part of the Great Exchange: in His death we find life; in His strength, wisdom, and equipping, we find all we need to be the parents our kids need us to be. As we depend on Him, cooperate with Him, and press into Him, He does the work through us. “For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose” (Philippians 2:13). Our part is to be dependent upon Him, and surrendered to Him in the process.

Will doing all these things ensure your kids will never turn away from God? Of course not. Their journey with God is theirs to navigate. Your job is to give them the tools they need, teach them the skills to use them, and model in front of them what the Christian life is all about. The rest is between them and God. Only Jesus can truly safeguard our kids.

It’s not too late. You can do this. Jesus will see you through.

Mary Comm is the author of Uncommon Love: God’s Heart for Christian Parents of Gay Kids. She is a Certified Professional Life Coach and the Founder and Director of Uncommon Love Ministries. Contact Mary for individual coaching or for information about Bible study support groups available in your area.

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