Loving Your Kids Like Jesus

By Mary Comm

Some of the hardest phone calls I get are from parents of teens and pre-teens. The openly accepting, supporting, and powerful social and educational environments many of these kids have been subjected to are beyond anything I’ve seen before. Normal has been redefined. Peer pressure is off the charts. As parents of these kids, it’s common to simply feel powerless. But you are not! Following are some tips for countering and balancing the other influences your kids are experiencing.

Reassure your love for them—not just in words, but in actions. Look for ways, every day, to show them your love in ways they perceive it to be love. They will not necessarily view discipline, boundaries, limits, etc., as loving—even though you, as an adult know that those are loving. Have the same sex parent (or the parent who has the most distant relationship with that child) to intentionally spend time with that child doing something that child likes to do—even if the parent does not like to do it. (Suggestions: activities like bowling, mini golf, etc.; helping with homework, taking a walk, having fun together, having a conversation that is meaningful to the child.)

Whenever they share their feelings or perspectives about their LGBTQ+ identity, thank them for sharing that with you. Listen—really listen—and let them know you want to understand where they are coming from.

Listen to understand—not to judge, argue, debate, etc. Do not debate what they say. Do not try to change their minds. It is vital that you communicate your interest in what they are saying from a place of honestly wanting to understand them and not to gain ammunition to use against them at a later time. Teens can spot inauthenticity a mile away! Check your heart. Make sure you are being genuine—even if what they share is hard for you to hear. These conversations are vital to rebuilding trust with your child. Show them you care enough to listen without arguing or debating. Affirm how grateful you are they are sharing their perspectives with you.

Let them know you are in this together—to understand God’s will for them. If they are open to Christianity, let them know you want God’s best for them and that you are there to help them any way you can. Pray for them and with them if they are comfortable with that. Live out your faith in front of them every day, bringing the Living Jesus into your daily schedules, circumstances, trials, etc. Let them know in unrelated terms that even though hard things happen in life, God is still good, He is still loving, and He has purposes for everything that He allows to trespass into our lives.

If, however, they are hostile toward God or Christianity, let them know you respect their decision to reject those ideologies at this time. No one can force another person to love God or follow Christ. Only God can accomplish this! Do let them know you are in this struggle/issue/etc. with them. Because of your faith and your responsibility as the parent(s), however, let them know that you still expect them to continue going to church and church functions with you. Let them know that is part of your role and responsibility before God. They don’t have to like it. They don’t have to do it with a happy attitude; however, ask that they comply with respect toward you for the position you are in as their parents.

In the same vein of parental responsibilities, let them know you are responsible to set certain boundaries, limits, household rules, etc., in order to keep them safe. They may lash out at you for setting limitations. Do not give in to teenage terror tactics! In this day and age, kids believe parents should be there to give them everything they need and want, but that only “helicopter” parents set rules and boundaries—and sadly, many parents have also begun to believe this. Do not buy into this cultural disintegration of parental responsibilities and authority. Again, they don’t have to like your limitations, but they—as the children—owe you a modicum of respect. Have discussions with your child about whatever limits you set; let them know you will honestly answer any questions they have. This is not the time to drop the “because I told you so” hammer. As long as they are engaging with you respectfully, answer their questions. If they begin to get hostile, that’s the time to set a “time out” boundary: “I can see you’re upset and I understand. However, being disrespectful will not get you what you want. When you can calm down and be respectful, we can continue this conversation.”

If you have younger children in the home, work to protect them. Younger children should not be privy to adult conversations or arguments you may have with your older child. Be honest with younger children in an age-appropriate manner, but do not share more information than what they have the maturity to handle. Let them know you love their brother or sister and always will, however the situation is serious and you will do what you can to help that sibling. Let them know they can ask any questions. Also, ask them to pray for their sibling. Pray with them for the older child….

Embrace your God-given role and responsibilities as the parent(s). God chose you to be your children’s parent. He also chose your children for you. However, He did not leave you without instructions. He also did not leave you alone. God has commissioned you as the parent to guide, guard, protect, and discipline your children. To guide them in learning who God is and who He created your children to be (Deuteronomy 11:18-20). To guide them in learning to think critically in a world full of misinformation, false religions, and bad influences. He has charged you to guard their hearts—for from the heart flows the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). Your responsibility is to protect them—from harm, from danger, from developing bad habits, and from their own foolish choices when necessary. Which is where discipline comes in. Discipline is both training and experiencing consequences (Proverbs 19:18, 29:17; Hebrews 12:7). As parents, we reinforce rewards for good choices. Likewise, we reinforce the negative consequences of bad ones. The sum of all wisdom is at your disposal: all you have to do is ask (James 1:5; Isaiah 40:11). He is always just a prayer away; ready and waiting to give you all you need.

Grieve for this season in your child’s life. Give yourself time and space to grieve for your child, for the struggles he or she is experiencing, for the challenges this is causing you and your family. This season may be short or it could go on for a very long time. Take care of yourself. Seek solid Christian support and wise counsel through someone who knows how to navigate these difficult situations. Strive to hold onto HoPe—for though much is impossible for man, nothing is impossible with God (Luke 18:27)!

If you are married, work to guard your marriage. Do not allow differences of perspective or ways of dealing with these circumstances to come between you and your spouse. Give your spouse the freedom to manage his or her own emotions, perspectives, etc. in a way that may be different from how you manage yours. Men and women often respond very differently when a child comes out. Do not expect your spouse to process his/her pain and emotions as you do. At the same time, encourage your spouse not to try to “fix” the problem. Only God can heal your child’s wounds and change his/her heart and mind. Give yourselves time to learn about your child’s situation and challenges and how best to respond. Spend time supporting your spouse; listening; sharing, etc. But never forget that you are on the same side. You are in this together. Work together to figure it out and to keep your relationship strong. (Note: If you are struggling in your relationship or your marriage is in a bad place, do not hesitate to pursue Christian counseling.)

Remember that God is Sovereign. He is good no matter what difficulties come along. He has a plan and purposes in this, and He loves your child even more than you do (Isaiah 14:27; Jeremiah 29:11). He will bring good from even this set of circumstances if you will surrender your rights, your agenda, your need to control or fix the problem to Him (Romans 8:28). He has something for every member of your family in this hardship—and it is for your good and not to harm you. Trust Him with your child. Trust Him to equip you to be the parent your child needs you to be. Trust His timing—even and especially when you don’t understand (Psalm 32:10; Proverbs 3:5-6).

Whatever you’re facing with your children, take a step of faith and praise God with confidence. Never forget that He’s got your child; He’s got you; and He’s got this (Psalm 31:21; Psalm 42:5; Colossians 1:15-20).