Put on a Brave Face

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
    therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
    Blessed are all who wait for him!”

Isaiah 30:18 (NIV)

This journey is hard. It’s painful. I’m often saying that to parents like me who have an adult son or daughter living the SSA lifestyle.  No one can know what this pain is like unless they too have walked a mile – or a thousand – in our shoes. And even for us who do walk this path, our pain is never exactly the same.  Why? Because our kids are not exactly the same. Our relationships with our kids are not the same.  Their circumstances are not the same. But I will say this: pain is pain.  It hurts.  And the pain of having an adult child living this lifestyle is both chronic and acute.

Sure, some days it’s more manageable.  Life gets busy and good things come along that either distract from the pain or surround it with so much faith, joy, and hope that it gets a bit lighter for a time.  Other days, it feels like a 10-ton weight in your heart.

Sometimes, your heart may physically hurt.

Those of us living the compassion-without-compromise way with our SSA kids know we have to put aside our pain when we are with our kids. Even as well as many of our kids know and love us, they don’t understand our pain. For some, it is offensive. For many, it feels like rejection.

I can’t really explain that phenomenon. But letting your son or daughter see your pain is something that can blow up your relationship in a split second.  So we put on a brave face with them. We hide our pain behind smiles and laughter and tenderness, and with all the love we have for them.

There are times when we can (and maybe should) allow them to see a glimpse of our pain.  But I must warn you not to let them see too much.  On one hand, they need to know that their life choices hurt us; but seeing too much of our pain may be too much for them to handle. Their natural defenses may rise.  They may characterize your pain as judgment or condemnation—not of their choices, but of who they are.  When this happens, the fallout can be both sudden and catastrophic, depending on where they are on their own journey.  If they are happy and in love with their same-sex partner, expect the fallout to be tremendous.

This compassion-without-compromise way is hard.  It’s like walking a razor thin tightrope between two skyscrapers on a blustery winter day.   Too much compassion and your child may believe you’re beginning to come around to his lifestyle. Too few boundaries and you run the risk of compromising your own identity, faith, and values.

So how do we do this?

We press into the God of our salvation, asking Him for wisdom, discernment, strength, and hope for this journey.

When we’re really hurting, we turn to God. We can take our brave face off with Him! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiJ7XDBx9Ps).  He sees. He knows. He understands.

We also share our pain with a close friend who understands. (We need each other!)

But with our kids, we hold the line of faith, with compassion for where they are on this journey, and we put our feelings aside for their sakes. We put on a brave face, and we trust God to work as only He can—in their lives and in ours.

 

If you are struggling in your relationship with your SSA child, please know I’m here to help. I would love to hear from you.

Mary Comm

Founder, Uncommon Love Ministries

 

Copyright © 2017 Uncommon Love Ministries. All rights reserved.

Photo: by Stephanie Pereira